who can understand

I'm praying to God.. I am a backslider.. yet now I'm turning back to Him. This is not a right reason for me to turn to Him.. but still..i need to.. because my mum has developed a cancer in her womb

I feel so grieved and sad, but I remained calm and cool so that my mom knows that I don't give up on the situation. At least someone needs to be positive in order for my mum to think positive too right? If i cry and show my despair in front of her, this is not going to help with her condition. The doctor told us that he needs to perform a surgery, which is to remove the entire womb.

BUT

my dad told her that his colleague's wife did that operation and a month later, she passed away.

Which decision should she take? I don't know which to encourage. If i encourage her to perform the surgery, this might not be good. But if i dont, the cancer may spread somewhere else. Please God, do not take my mom away from me. I'm not ready to lose her. Not yet. God, please. Have mercy on her. She doesn't deserve this. Please hear my cries God.. I beg You.

i need to stay strong in front of my siblings. Mom told me to keep this a secret from them. I have to pretend that i'm ok but inside i'm bleeding. I can only cry silently when all the lights are out and when mom is sleeping. It hurts so bad. It really does.

Plus, my mock exam is just looming around the corner(next week). I have no mood to study at all. All i can think about is my mom. How can i fix this? What should i do? God please do not forsake me at this hour.

what should i do

Two of my besties are transferring to ATC next sem.. I do not want to leave PTPL.. i really do not.. and i want them to stay with me as well.. sigh.. Guess i can't have my cake and eat it too, and i guess.. trouble would not stay away from me. No peace. There are several reasons why i do not like atc

1. the location

hello? that place is packed. Even if i drive i dont know if im able to find parking. aihhh

2. The people

Lets face it. One of the main reasons is because they are there.. I do not need people labelling me as a "bitch" or some other name.. namely "fake", from some misunderstanding 2 years ago. I just want to be loved. I love it in PTPL. I feel belonged.. i feel loved.. mainly because of my classmates. I love Alicia and Ann.. They are my really good friends. I cant bear to leave them. My lecturers are awesome. I love Kevin.. He's my ultimate favourite, despite the constant teasing. lol. I like him even more than Siraj. (not more than a lecturer duh!!) I love Jane.. I really enjoy her class a lot.. I love the college. I love everything about it despite the somewhat old facility.

Monday morning.. before Kevin's class i was bombarded with the information Ann gave me: they confirmed that they both.. wanted to transfer to ATC. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't concentrate. I was trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to cry. Well in the end i did. All i asked was WHY?

The other day.. during sem break i met Alicia in Chilis.. When she told me that she was having thoughts about leaving, i prayed to God.. I told Him, please.. God, please do not take them away from me. Do not take my good friends away from me. Please.

But in the end, He did. Its not decided yet but GOD PLEASE! DON'T. MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING ME. 1 BY 1. Im so worried that after they went to ATC, their perceptions would change towards me. I'm terrified. Im scared that after they went to ATC, they would listen to rumors and change their perceptions towards me. God, I know i haven't come to You for a long time. I know that I've backslided. I never go to church anymore. But God, do You understand why i did not go?

God, please.. I only ask of You for this. Please.. Grant us some loan so that they wouldn't change their mind. Please.. I beg You!