hating this

I know Im not the brightest student, nor am I the smartest human being in the whole world
And I also know that I'm not a smart person. In fact nowhere near that
For that, Im reeeeeeeeally frustrated! I am frustrated that I dont ask the right questions, say the right thing at the right time, and I'm so sick of being called a "bimbo"
It is such an insult to me. Yes I'm blur most of the time. I want to change that. I want to be a smart person too if im given a chance.
It's just so insulting to have friends or circumstances to make you feel more stupid than u already are. Seriously. I dont know who to vent to. Its just too.. frustrating.
Most of all, Im sick of being "bimbo" or "dumb" or whatsoever. Im really sick of all this shit.

who can understand

I'm praying to God.. I am a backslider.. yet now I'm turning back to Him. This is not a right reason for me to turn to Him.. but still..i need to.. because my mum has developed a cancer in her womb

I feel so grieved and sad, but I remained calm and cool so that my mom knows that I don't give up on the situation. At least someone needs to be positive in order for my mum to think positive too right? If i cry and show my despair in front of her, this is not going to help with her condition. The doctor told us that he needs to perform a surgery, which is to remove the entire womb.

BUT

my dad told her that his colleague's wife did that operation and a month later, she passed away.

Which decision should she take? I don't know which to encourage. If i encourage her to perform the surgery, this might not be good. But if i dont, the cancer may spread somewhere else. Please God, do not take my mom away from me. I'm not ready to lose her. Not yet. God, please. Have mercy on her. She doesn't deserve this. Please hear my cries God.. I beg You.

i need to stay strong in front of my siblings. Mom told me to keep this a secret from them. I have to pretend that i'm ok but inside i'm bleeding. I can only cry silently when all the lights are out and when mom is sleeping. It hurts so bad. It really does.

Plus, my mock exam is just looming around the corner(next week). I have no mood to study at all. All i can think about is my mom. How can i fix this? What should i do? God please do not forsake me at this hour.

random thought

Doctor patient relationship is strictly forbidden.. I think the same about student teacher relationship too..

Its like.. wrong.. so wrong.. i watched Pretty Little Liars and Aria having relationship with the teacher is just.. plain wong.. Althought they made a sexy couple, still.. its just.. not right!! I cant even imagine me loving my lecturer.. like um.. no way. Love them as lecturers, yes. Lovers? no way..

what should i do

Two of my besties are transferring to ATC next sem.. I do not want to leave PTPL.. i really do not.. and i want them to stay with me as well.. sigh.. Guess i can't have my cake and eat it too, and i guess.. trouble would not stay away from me. No peace. There are several reasons why i do not like atc

1. the location

hello? that place is packed. Even if i drive i dont know if im able to find parking. aihhh

2. The people

Lets face it. One of the main reasons is because they are there.. I do not need people labelling me as a "bitch" or some other name.. namely "fake", from some misunderstanding 2 years ago. I just want to be loved. I love it in PTPL. I feel belonged.. i feel loved.. mainly because of my classmates. I love Alicia and Ann.. They are my really good friends. I cant bear to leave them. My lecturers are awesome. I love Kevin.. He's my ultimate favourite, despite the constant teasing. lol. I like him even more than Siraj. (not more than a lecturer duh!!) I love Jane.. I really enjoy her class a lot.. I love the college. I love everything about it despite the somewhat old facility.

Monday morning.. before Kevin's class i was bombarded with the information Ann gave me: they confirmed that they both.. wanted to transfer to ATC. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't concentrate. I was trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to cry. Well in the end i did. All i asked was WHY?

The other day.. during sem break i met Alicia in Chilis.. When she told me that she was having thoughts about leaving, i prayed to God.. I told Him, please.. God, please do not take them away from me. Do not take my good friends away from me. Please.

But in the end, He did. Its not decided yet but GOD PLEASE! DON'T. MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING ME. 1 BY 1. Im so worried that after they went to ATC, their perceptions would change towards me. I'm terrified. Im scared that after they went to ATC, they would listen to rumors and change their perceptions towards me. God, I know i haven't come to You for a long time. I know that I've backslided. I never go to church anymore. But God, do You understand why i did not go?

God, please.. I only ask of You for this. Please.. Grant us some loan so that they wouldn't change their mind. Please.. I beg You!

betrayer?

am i really a betrayer of the family? I chose Christ instead of the family tradition.. to be a buddhist.. i broke my mom's heart.

:(

emo

and next week is my final. I have no mood to study at all.

the Christian thing

It was my mum who allowed me to go to church. It was her, who fetched me to church after massive begging from me. It was her, who covered for me.. the whole story about me going to church, from my dad.

still,

it is her who still can't accept the fact that i'm a Christian

im really upset.

I thought she accepted me for who i am all along.. but there's a part of me that she still cannot accept. And it breaks my heart to say this.

I uphold my family members into Your hands, Lord.. please soften their hearts and lead them to the way to salvation. Let them know who You are, that you are the way, the truth and the life.. that You are God, and You are real. Thank You God.. Thank You.. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

I believe God will hear my prayers.. he knows whats in my heart. I have faith that 1 day, God will lead them to Salvation. 1 day.

im stupid

title says it all. nuff said.

Using my real name? what was i even thinking?!

i m such a blabbermouth! wth.. i should stop at nuff said.. but i just keep going forward.. ROFLMAO

and if you haven't noticed yet, every time i write, i complain.. (note to self: i need to change or else imma bring my readers down with me.) On second thought.. what readers? LOL