公公

Dear Grandpa,

Hello. How are you?

I'm writing you this letter despite me knowing that everything is too late.

I'm really sorry... I should have treated you much much better and spent more time with you. I should have been more patient. I should have been more kind. I should be more...

Maybe.. just maybe if I spent more time with you, I could use those time to introduce Jesus into your life. I could see you in heaven again the next time. I'm really sorry.

Grandpa, I thought about the past. How we spent time when I was very young. I thought old folks' home is the playground for old people and I actually thought of putting you there. That made your wife laugh in sinister. I remembered singing all the kindy songs for you upon returning home. I remembered that safe you gave me and big sis. The one where music plays upon slotting in the coins. I got 1 and my sis got another one. It was the elephant dressed up in black band suits from BSN. I clearly remembered that Then it got smashed by the maid (to take care of my mom upon birth of my lil bro)  trying to steal all the coins. Sad case.

Then I remembered us spending time as I grew older. Like years back. We used to go for lunch with mom and the rest of the siblings. I know you loved your grandchildren. I also know that due to this, you were disowned by your own children and kicked out of your house due to your wife's jealousy.

I'm sorry that you thought we never "picked" your side. I'm sorry to think that you were attention seeking. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you.

Looking at your smart phone upon your demise really saddens me, I really wanted to cry then. It turned out that you were really clueless when it comes to fixing your alarm. Why didn't you ask me?

I know i wasn't so close to you. I should have heed the inner voice that spoke to me that I should spend time with you 2 days prior to your passing. You know what I did? I shook it off.

God knows how long it has been since we have last spoke.

I really miss you, and I'm sorry. I really am.

Now it's too late.

Dear mom

Mama did you know
How I have spent less time with you?
Perhaps all I wanted was for you to see how
Successful I am in life.
I feel like a failure. I cannot face you..
I do not want to disappoint you..
Yet it's the exact thing that's going on.

Mama did you know?
I just want to make you proud
I just want you to enjoy life
I want you to be happy, sit back and relax
And it kills me that I cannot give you all that
Not just yet

Mama,
I'm sorry for being the way I am.
I'm sorry that I cannot be successful
I'm sorry that I still feel so lost
I'm sorry that I can't give you a good life

bridges built, bridges burnt.

We all encounter different people every single day. If you're lucky, some bridges will be built.. who knows u may be building bridges to form a beautiful friendship. If you're luckier, well.. you would be building 1 for love. In order to build these bridges, i believe it takes the effort of both parties from each side, and they meet each other in between.

However in life, some bridges burn.. Sucks when that happened. I know.

Well I was finally happy after all the breakup, all the exams.. I was enjoying my life to the max, made a few new friends. Michelle was being an incredible friend and to be honest she has been such a blessing! She is the 1 that I kept hanging out with these days. Thanks to her I get to know a few good people too. Gabriel, Fabian, Christine, Sherena, Christ, Hendry.. All these people are super amazing and very nice to hang out with. So many new friends thanks to her. :)

Im incredibly thankful for her. With most of my friends in KL, it was tough living and facing four walls and your computer screen all the time. I needed to catch a breath. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to stop feeling guilty, to stop feeling that I owe someone something so huge.. I needed to have fun again. I needed a friend to hang out with, a shoulder to cry on, something to make me forget everything. Every piece of this breakup shit. When it hits you, it really hits you in the gut. Behind this smile, laughter, nobody knows the pain that I'm going thru whenever I'm alone. I'd think about us. Think if I made a right choice. Think of everything..

Well it doesn't matter anyways.. it seems like he's doing well too. "fucking hell" that I went to say hi to him and his friends when i was around. I guess I was too buddy buddy with his friends that I need to get used to the cold shoulder they gave. I thought they would be ok with me. I really do. I was wrong. They didn't want anything to do with me. Soo.. yeah. I was the "bitch who broke my ex's heart". Oh well I guess that's life and I just have to live with that, even with old bridges burnt... I built new bridges too in the process so although it hurt to see them treating me this way, i thank you, God, for blessing with me with a few more new, fun buddies. Thank You. I'm grateful. :)

who can understand

I'm praying to God.. I am a backslider.. yet now I'm turning back to Him. This is not a right reason for me to turn to Him.. but still..i need to.. because my mum has developed a cancer in her womb

I feel so grieved and sad, but I remained calm and cool so that my mom knows that I don't give up on the situation. At least someone needs to be positive in order for my mum to think positive too right? If i cry and show my despair in front of her, this is not going to help with her condition. The doctor told us that he needs to perform a surgery, which is to remove the entire womb.

BUT

my dad told her that his colleague's wife did that operation and a month later, she passed away.

Which decision should she take? I don't know which to encourage. If i encourage her to perform the surgery, this might not be good. But if i dont, the cancer may spread somewhere else. Please God, do not take my mom away from me. I'm not ready to lose her. Not yet. God, please. Have mercy on her. She doesn't deserve this. Please hear my cries God.. I beg You.

i need to stay strong in front of my siblings. Mom told me to keep this a secret from them. I have to pretend that i'm ok but inside i'm bleeding. I can only cry silently when all the lights are out and when mom is sleeping. It hurts so bad. It really does.

Plus, my mock exam is just looming around the corner(next week). I have no mood to study at all. All i can think about is my mom. How can i fix this? What should i do? God please do not forsake me at this hour.

what should i do

Two of my besties are transferring to ATC next sem.. I do not want to leave PTPL.. i really do not.. and i want them to stay with me as well.. sigh.. Guess i can't have my cake and eat it too, and i guess.. trouble would not stay away from me. No peace. There are several reasons why i do not like atc

1. the location

hello? that place is packed. Even if i drive i dont know if im able to find parking. aihhh

2. The people

Lets face it. One of the main reasons is because they are there.. I do not need people labelling me as a "bitch" or some other name.. namely "fake", from some misunderstanding 2 years ago. I just want to be loved. I love it in PTPL. I feel belonged.. i feel loved.. mainly because of my classmates. I love Alicia and Ann.. They are my really good friends. I cant bear to leave them. My lecturers are awesome. I love Kevin.. He's my ultimate favourite, despite the constant teasing. lol. I like him even more than Siraj. (not more than a lecturer duh!!) I love Jane.. I really enjoy her class a lot.. I love the college. I love everything about it despite the somewhat old facility.

Monday morning.. before Kevin's class i was bombarded with the information Ann gave me: they confirmed that they both.. wanted to transfer to ATC. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't concentrate. I was trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to cry. Well in the end i did. All i asked was WHY?

The other day.. during sem break i met Alicia in Chilis.. When she told me that she was having thoughts about leaving, i prayed to God.. I told Him, please.. God, please do not take them away from me. Do not take my good friends away from me. Please.

But in the end, He did. Its not decided yet but GOD PLEASE! DON'T. MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING ME. 1 BY 1. Im so worried that after they went to ATC, their perceptions would change towards me. I'm terrified. Im scared that after they went to ATC, they would listen to rumors and change their perceptions towards me. God, I know i haven't come to You for a long time. I know that I've backslided. I never go to church anymore. But God, do You understand why i did not go?

God, please.. I only ask of You for this. Please.. Grant us some loan so that they wouldn't change their mind. Please.. I beg You!

betrayer?

am i really a betrayer of the family? I chose Christ instead of the family tradition.. to be a buddhist.. i broke my mom's heart.

:(

emo

and next week is my final. I have no mood to study at all.

the Christian thing

It was my mum who allowed me to go to church. It was her, who fetched me to church after massive begging from me. It was her, who covered for me.. the whole story about me going to church, from my dad.

still,

it is her who still can't accept the fact that i'm a Christian

im really upset.

I thought she accepted me for who i am all along.. but there's a part of me that she still cannot accept. And it breaks my heart to say this.

I uphold my family members into Your hands, Lord.. please soften their hearts and lead them to the way to salvation. Let them know who You are, that you are the way, the truth and the life.. that You are God, and You are real. Thank You God.. Thank You.. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

I believe God will hear my prayers.. he knows whats in my heart. I have faith that 1 day, God will lead them to Salvation. 1 day.

YAY!

ahh

start the post off without havin to say OMG every time

Hheheh

Mom's outta surgery room at 1030

approximately 2 hours

hmm.. well she's in a great deal of pain now so she is alr sleeping soundly

AND U KNOW HOW BIG THE PAINKILLER IS?!

omg... SO HUGEEEE!!

and she swallowed.. 2 of them! 2!!

wow.. if it was for me i'd chew em off no matter how bitter they are

well hey.. i bet it feels better than havin them choked around your neck rite?

;)

GLAD THAT MOM MADE IT!

YAY MOM!

<3

waiting kills the most

omg.. waiting outside the operating room as we speak!

I REALLY do pray for ma mum's successful operation.

hope that she will be doing just fine!!!!

pls pls pls be well..

will b prayin for her speedy recovery

Ohhh

plus

GOD, PLEASE... let that NOT be a cancer.. i pray.. i beg You...

PLEASE!!!!

mom, please be alrite

gosh.. im writing just seconds before leaving the house

MOM, please please go thru this surgery SAFELY.. been praying a lot

you'll be fine mom..

but why am i worried?

God, please look after her, protect her from any harm and please bring her back safely

this family needs her

without her as the pillar, everything will fall apart

thank U God, for everything.

I ask and I pray that the surgery will go well

I put all my faith in You

In the name of Jesus

Amen

cant get over you.. 2010.. help me

its 2010, i cant get over u yet.. why r u leaving such heavy scars in my heart? wound is slowly healing up, but it still hurts everytime i think of you..

i might never forgive you of what you did, but i still do miss you.. thats why i cant forgive you??

i have no idea.. why cant i forget about you like you did forget about me??

Friends come and go, and you left footprints in my heart.. along with a knife at my back.. that, hurts the most despite how much i looked out for you.. how much i loved you as my friend..

grown up

Im a kid at heart, just like the great Michael Jackson used to quote..

Grown a lot, suffered a lot, laughed, cried, played..

God was so gracious for everything! i mean, He's my shepherd.. my Guide, my Father, my best friend, my all.. However, i feel guilty for not surrendering everything to Him, for not obeying Him, for all those sins that i've commited. I am ashamed to see Him, I'm too afraid.. i wanna be His favourite, but I've hurt Him.. I've lost his trust, i dont go to Him anymore.. it will take a lotta courage for me to step into church again.. for sure.. but i really dont know how yet.. until 1 day... 1 day when im ready.. 1 day

been betrayed again this year, trusted in wrong people, but i will never stop loving! thats what i mean.. i wont.. Yes, i admit, i've been hurt, i've suffered, but through that all, i realised that i need people being there for me when i was goin thru all those.. therefore, i wont give up! i continue to grow, love and give out all the love i could give to everyone, especially to those who will be going through the same thing i do!

skeletons in closet?

OMG! i just found out that someone i know has a very very huge skeleton in his closet!

well

not gonna reveal much, but how could HE, how could he have a double life?

pretend to be someone else in Malaysia, then be another person somewhere else?

what about his gf in penang while he's in his home town?

what bout his home town gf when he's in penang?

NO WONDER he never uses his real name when he's here

Gosh.. omg i shouldnt have bug into people's business

Hehe.. but its so surprising that i played detective and found out

and i consider that an achievement? well noone reads this blog anyways so

here it is!

how do i feel?

Blogging

Well.. this blog is called the room for improvement, but it seems like i dont make any improvements at all.. The same thing happens again and again and again..

Backstabbers, misunderstandings, anything! Beware man.. I mean those things really cut you deep from the inside out and there is no cure for the broken heart.. Chocolates? Hmm.. Not really.. Lol!

These days i really learnt my lesson.. Cant really trust a person.. And put your100% feelings into something.. This will destroy you.. Come on.. look at my past.. Now i alr learnt to let go.. I really wanted to talk to them back, but well.. They do not seem to be interested in it at all... Im changed.. Now im emotionless. Cant feel any pain, any hurt, any anger now.. I alr forgiven you all, and i hope that you guys will do the same as well.. Holding grudges taught me something.. Yeah, revenge is sweet, but it eats you up inside. You will get consumed by the power and somehow.. I have no idea how to solve this.. Yeah.. now i AM fake...

I dont do anything wrong, but at the same time i had to avoid you all.. Come on. Wht have i done wrong? Yeah i might have some misunderstanding with someone, and along the way i dragged u all with it.. So what? I really misunderstood one person and now you all punish me for MY misunderstanding with someone else?? Thats just brilliant.. Ido not want any part of the friendship if you guys are like that.. I quit! Unlike you, this blog is very personal, so noone can come and see.. Unpublished sanctuary of myself. I do not go around yelling and screaming how you did me wrong like you did in facebook and plurk. Grow up man... I did not did anything wrong to u all. treated u all likemy own sisters and now you hate me becus of my misunderstanding with someone else? Wow how brilliant!

history is repeating itself again

Haizzz.. wad to do with my life!! Im always faced with this kinda prob.. It sucks being me

All these happens since i was at the end of form 5, NS, JMTi, and now PTPL also

Why do people always regard me as the "bad" 1? I really do care for them, love them as my own friend. Some even my sister. But hell, they always listen to somebody else and decided to boycott me. What did i do?
Why the hell to they listen to other people? If they were truly my friend, they should stand by me and believe in me

When u see an indian and a snake, u should beat the indian 1st, for they are the worst of all and they do more damage to you then 100X100000 snakes combined. He spreaded slander about me, making me and my friends fall apart...

My bf doesnt even understand me for who i am. This person did so much damage to me alr, but he still wants to keep on being his friend. This "friend" of his already do me so much damage.. He still wanna be his friend.. I dun understand why! Really suck it i tell you.. it seriously sucks so much!

Bad bad man

No one knows what its like.. to be a bad man.. to be a sad man
Im always the bad person.. from its very beggining
I duno when.. I feel that im always the bad one..
Telling someone about my feelings, im bad... wooo
Accidentally tell someone bout something, im bad.. I lost their trust! Wooo
Im bad, bad bad.. Im always bad..
Im the BAD one.. I know! I KNOW IT ALL ALONG! IM EVIL.. IM BAD!
U WANT ME TO BE BAD?? OK U ASKED FOR IT! IM SO TIRED OF HAVIN TO WEAR A MASK.. TO BE WITH SOMEONE AND HAD TO PRETEND THEY DONT HATE ME.. IM DONE.. I REALLY AM

Tribute to Benjamin

"To the woman I will marry one day, this is my promise to you - I will be the man that God designed and desires me to be for you. I desire to the greatest father in the world to our kids and together we will raise a family that will change this world! Whoever you are, I want to love you. And I love you. I want to love our kids. I love our kids."

Imagine a guy telling you this! How would you feel? Lol! Every girl would just melt listening a guy telling this to them...This is a quote that my best friend wrote on his facebook notes. To be honest I'm quite awed and amazed of how he can be.. Of course, that's no surprise... He has always loved kids, and the kids love him! (this was because I was his collegue in Tadika Rajawali...) no surprise! He is an extremely creative guy and the love and passion that he has for kids, it's incomparable to anyone else I know.

Nowadays, the world lacks in commitment and compassion. This is one of the reason why more and more single mothers are formed in this face of earth. Not many men want kids of their own.. In fact, most of them would shun their responsibilities as father to their children and worse, some of the idiots even have the guts to convince their giflfriend/ wife to perform an abortion because they do not want this "burden".

Lets just put the kids issue aside, shall we? Most men can't even keep themselves commited in a serious relationship. All they ever wanted was to sleep with girls and find another flings the next day. To be honest, I'm quite disgusted of those men.. These guys totally toyed with girls' feelings, then they just throw them aside. If the girl they slept with found theirselves pregnant, they could just convince her into an abortion..What is this world becoming? Where is all the love and compassion? Where is the love?

Ben, kudos to you. I will keep you in my prayers. May God bless you with the one you trully love and that she will give you unconditionally in return. I know that God is so going to bless you with a very very happy family!

lesson well learnt

Now that I come to know this, I've grown so much since the last time I was in high school. The adults were right. We will never learn anything about life until we get out of high school and learn about how this society rules.

First of all.. Never trust anyone completely, especially those you think who are close to you. The tip is to always keep a distance to everyone you know.. No matter how nice he/she treats you, don't reveal everything to them. Things can turn out pretty nasty.

Second thing is, never ever show your weaker side to anyone! NO one should see the weaker side of you because once they do, they are going to exploit that weakness of yours. Always remember to let others see the stronger side of you. Nothing more.

Here's the next tip: Being nice is a good thing, but everything has its limit. Being too nice has its consequences. You'll be pushed around by everyone, and eventually, you're a pushover. You always do what people tell you to do without a cause and they can turn around and stab you in the back. These people won't think about what you did to help them. In fact, they were just trying to get the benefit from you. Once they suck out everything they possibly could get from you, they either turn around and bite you or they just throw you away like rubbish.

Consider this lesson well learnt. Even bad memories have a place in a good life. At least I won't be doing nor repeating those mistakes anymore. I've had enough and now I'm not the Yik Min you used to know.. I'm the new me and if you think about using me for anything, think again. Not gonna happen!

xo xo
-yikmin-

Passion OF Christ vs Passion FOR Christ

Now what is passion?

Passion means ALL-IN. The stuff we talk about the most in our daily conversation. If we really do have a passion for something, we actually spend time on it. Now if we claimed that we have the passion for Christ, it means that we actually spend time with Him, talk to Him...How many of us actually do that?

People are so occupied with their daily life, may it be assignments, work,tests, that they" Do not have the time for God". I was one of them. Yeah I'm head over heels with Jesus Christ, but who am I to say that my passion is Christ??I can hardly spend time on Him. All I care about is my impending SAT that is just looming around the corner and assignments and quizzes and tests...Shame on me!!

This is what the Devil wants actually. To keep us occupied and to keep us apart from God. Every now and then, I have to be focused and plan my time well, not to let anything to come between me and God almighty.

The passion of Christ is, of course,His people. Lets take a look at His life, shall we? All that He did, carrying the cross and being tortured nd crucified, He did it just for us, His children, so that we can be set free from our sins. Never...and I mean, NEVER had He complained about it. He is our saviour, our friend people! If we can't put our trust and faith in Him, who else can we trust?

Lets make an effort and have the passion for Christ!!